Single Girl’s Survival Guide | Tynnetta Bey

For those in Singleville, Valentine’s Day is a billboard reminding you that you are single-single. Couples all over the world privately and publicly display their affection for one another in ways that will have you wishing that you were in a relationship. But be strong, my sista. You totally got this!

Although manufactured to promote love, this ‘holiday’ is known to trigger memories and desires that are far from it. And when those memories of failed relationships and reminders that your biological clock is ticking shoot your way, you need to be ready! 

You need to know how to survive Valentine’s Day as a single girl.  

For all the it’s easier said than done people out there, I understand what you mean. No, I really know what you mean because I’m single. And I never thought that I’d be single at this age, let alone not dating. 

Here’s a secret. I haven’t been on a physical date in years. My last dating experience lasted every bit of five hours online. My name was Allegra. For whatever reason, that’s the first name that came to mind, and I joined to see if I still had it. Whatever it meant at the time, I failed. I didn’t have it at all. I started on the wrong foot anyway. Allegra?? 

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But again, I never thought I’d be single at this age. I thought I’d be smothering my husband with kisses as we cuddled together somewhere in Bali. Instead, I’m single-single, staring at a barista in Starbucks asking for a caramel macchiato with an extra shot and writing to you.

Am I insecure about being single? No, but I can remember a time when I was. And I can remember feeling blue on plenty of Valentine’s Days. Back then, everything triggered my emotions. The smell of cologne, music, I miss you texts, and any mushiness got me going. Thinking back, I even remember rehearsing a breakup as I stuffed pizza down my throat, washed it down with wine, and pretended not to care anymore. 

Thankfully, those days are over. I am secure with my singleness, and I want to tell you how I got there so that you can thrive on Valentine’s Day as a single woman too! 

LOVE IS THE BIGGER PICTURE

Wanting to be in a relationship is normal, but if you’re not careful, you’ll make it an idol. Now, I haven’t always felt this way. I indeed was a hopeless romantic, a fool in lust, and too stuck in the moment to see the bigger picture. And the bigger picture is for me to love genuinely, I need to love myself, and you do too.

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THE BENEFITS OF BEING SINGLE

Let’s face it – being single has its perks and pain points. I’ve talked about a few pain points, so let’s talk about the perks. 

The best perk is that you are saving money. Valentine’s Day is a moneymaker! The world spends billions of dollars expressing love annually. Crazy right? 

Another good thing about being single is all the uninterrupted time you can dedicate to yourself. There are plenty of people who wish they did a little more of something before committing to a relationship. They wish they’d explored and traveled more. They wish they would have worked on growing and learning themselves more. Some even wish they hadn’t settled. So, be grateful that you didn’t settle. Be thankful that you still have time for self-development.

One more perk is that you still have time to prepare for your future partner. I don’t know about you, but I’ve taken bad habits into a good relationship. So, use this time to deal with any negative emotions, traumatic experiences, or bad memories about love, so your future husband won’t have to. 

WHEN YOU’RE SICK OF BEING LONELY

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Now, you may be thinking that sounds good, sis, but what about when I get lonely? 

I have to be honest. Loneliness hits the best of us. At the worst times, too. It always seems to happen when you’re alone (chuckles), late at night, and especially on Fridays. Or at least that’s when I think of how single I am. So, let me just say this – it’s natural to feel lonely. Sis, who doesn’t want a partner to do life with? 

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Also, the reality is, a moment of loneliness doesn’t mean that it’ll always be that way, and being single another year doesn’t mean that you’re unworthy of love or damaged. 

When you get lonely, surround yourself with people that love and care about you. Write, paint, talk about it but try not to park yourself in your feelings. The goal is to express it in a way that’s healthy for you.  

Loneliness is about what you don’t have. So, try this too. Take a moment and think about some of the things you’ve achieved. What have you done that’s made you proud? Reflect on the many ways you’ve grown and matured. Writing this is making me think about how pleased I am with myself for doing the work to heal and how proud you’ll be of yourself too. 

HOW I STRIDE THRU VALENTINE’S DAY 

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In all my singleness, I’ve become a champion at surviving the steamy darts of love, lust, sex, and mushiness that come flying my way on Valentine’s Day. I’m so confident in my defenses that I’m sharing them with you. Use them to survive the days when you question your singleness. Because if I’ve learned anything, it’s that the way to survive a day starts with surviving a moment.

1. Brace yourselves! You’re going to see tons of mushiness all around you. The proposals, gifts, and roses will flood your timeline. What’s new? I hate to sound insensitive, but the truth is this is what you can expect to see. The test of your faith is in being genuinely happy for those who have found true love and being content with where you are.
2. Master your mind and emotions! Readjust your thoughts about this day and permit yourself to let go of how you thought your life was supposed to be. God is well aware of where you are, what you need, and so eager to give you a beautiful love story. Keep your heart and mind on Him! Ask Him what He thinks about you.
3. It’s time to take out the trash. Rid your head, heart, and house of anything that reminds you of anything remotely toxic. Cut all soul-ties and restrict access from past relationships. The best way is to quit cold turkey. 
4. Host a vision board party for singles. Bring out some fun games, food and celebrate the good in life. Make a playlist of songs that make you happy, then sing loudly and dance wildly. Write letters to your future husband. Make a list of things that you like about yourself and celebrate love right where you are! 
5. Self-care it up! I can’t pretend that I’ve always been this strong because I most certainly wasn’t. My heart was wide open to all sorts of emotions before, during, and after Valentine’s Day. But self-care and self-love helped me become whole. And now I know being whole matters more than having someone around to take up space. Being valued and loved means so much more when it comes from you first. So, self-care it up – set the tone for your next relationship by becoming who and what you wish to have. On that note, go ahead and buy yourself something. Flowers, new undies, wash your sheets, and visit the nail spa, BUT this time, do it for you! Also, no cap but self-care and self-love look like counseling and therapy sessions too.
6. Volunteer. I love this one! It’s a day of love right, so go out and show some love by helping someone else. Lend a helping hand to a couple that could use a date without the kids or sign up to volunteer somewhere. You may meet Mr. Husband volunteering.
7. Change the narrative. What do you want this day to be for you? Will it be a day that you enjoy, or will it be a day that you rehearse the past? Make it what you want it to be and give it a new name in your heart, like Loving Me Day. Then, pamper yourself!
8. Learn what love is. It’s important to know what God says about love so that you don’t fall into the trap of lust. Lust looks a lot like love when you don’t know what love is. 1 Corinthians 13:1-13 tells us what love is and is not. Before you allow your emotions to take a hit, remind yourself what love is. Accept it and then spread that love to others! 
9. Decide what you want. Your best defense will always be a made-up mind. I made up my mind over three years ago to honor God with my life. That means that what I used to do on Valentine’s Day ended when I gave God my yes. 
10. Never settle. Sis, some Godly men have been processed and prepared for you. You won’t have to settle or sell your soul to be with him either. You won’t have to compromise or sleep with him to keep him. You will be his priority.

YOU’RE NOT SINGLE – YOU’RE ON RESERVES

I can’t count the many times that I spent Valentine’s Day wishing that I was somewhere that I wasn’t. That was before I fell in love with who I was becoming. That was before I realized I’m not single, but I’m reserved for someone. That was before I proudly changed my name from hopelessly romantic to hopeful romantic. That was before I knew being single is better than settling. That was before I understood that I dodged many bullets and that life didn’t stop just because I was single. That was before I started using my singleness to grow and develop into my best self. 

So, if you do nothing else for Valentine’s Day, survive it by appreciating the good about yourself and committing to becoming better.

Not to mention, it’s just a day. Before you know it, the morning will kiss you on the forehead, and you’ll suddenly realize that you not only made it, but you’re stronger than the times before.

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