Getting Over the Grief of a Toxic Relationship | Khalilah Velez

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WHY IT HURTS SO MUCH WHEN YOU BREAK UP

If you’ve ever said you were heartbroken after a breakup, let me tell you why that’s true. Whenever you get into a relationship with someone, you create a soul tie between you and that person — heart, mind, and emotion. When things end, it tears apart everything you’ve invested in the relationship and rips away the parts of you that fused with them, leaving you feeling fragmented. 

Contrary to popular belief, this happens in every breakup even if the relationship was toxic. You would think getting out of a situation like this makes the process less painful, but the truth is, it doesn’t. Because no matter the situation or the type of breakup, you need time to process it and heal.

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FIVE STAGES OF GRIEF

The good news is there are things you can do to deal with the grief and hurry your healing process. Starting with knowing what grief may look and feel like for you. Once you know, you can admit what stage of grief you are in and move through the stages as quickly as possible. 

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Denial is the shock and awe phase. When you first come out of the relationship, you may find yourself in disbelief of all the things that took place. You may even feel in shock as if the situation isn’t happening to you. If you find yourself denying reality, you’re likely in this stage.

Anger is the phase that exposes what I call the 3 R’s: retaliation, rage, and ridicule. You may want to retaliate for all of the hurt and embarrassment the breakup causes. You may even feel rage toward this person that hurt you. You may feel the urge to ridicule them like you never loved them. But don’t. Be the best you by choosing to move on without committing the 3 R’s or whatever the anger makes you feel toward your ex. 

​​Bargaining is the should’ve, could’ve, would’ve phase. As the air begins to clear and you try to make sense of things, guilt and pain may set in. Here, you might start to blame yourself for all of the bad things that took place in the relationship. You may say something like, I should’ve done this or that differently, then maybe he or she wouldn’t have treated me this way. Or maybe I could have been more attentive, and they wouldn’t have acted this way with me. Process these emotions faster by first deciding not to take the blame for how someone mistreated you.

​​The depression phase is where you begin to feel the void of a breakup. Do you remember me telling you about the ripping earlier? Well, this is where you will feel a lot of that. To avoid the full effect of feeling like your heart is ripping into pieces, you may try to rebound quickly. And although jumping into another relationship to try to stop your heart from hurting may seem like a good idea, it isn’t. It isn’t wise, and I don’t recommend it. 

​​Acceptance is the stage of grief you want to get too. The acceptance phase is when you have come to terms with what took place, and you choose healing over hurting. This is the goal right here!  

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NAME WHAT YOU FEEL

Now that I’ve told you about the five stages, you can likely see yourself in one, some, or all of them. Again, the faster you become aware of what stage you are in, the quicker you can push through to the end goal, which is healing and moving on with life. 

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YOU DESERVE TO BE IN A HEALTHY RELATIONSHIP

Because you deserve to be in a healthy relationship, here are four things that can help you get over the grief of a toxic breakup and find peace apart from the person you did (or maybe even still) love.

1. Don’t beat yourself up with blame, but be mature enough to take responsibility for any part you played in making the relationship toxic. Let’s face it, we are all flawed, so if you need to get counseling to help heal from whatever baggage you may have brought into the relationship — do that. If you did not add to the toxic nature of the situation, do take responsibility for your healing. You don’t want to take the baggage from one relationship into your next. 
2. Accept that you may never receive an apology. A harsh truth in dealing with toxic people is that you may never get the closure that comes from one who is genuinely apologetic after hurting and betraying you. In fact, you may never even get an apology at all, and you must be okay with that. Be the best you, by forgiving them anyway. I understand that they hurt and disappointed you, but keep in mind that forgiving them does not dismiss the hurt they caused you. It keeps you from becoming angry and bitter by allowing healing to take place.
3. Positivity inspires. When you’re getting over a toxic relationship, you want friends that support you through the stages of grief, without letting you stay stuck in any one portion of it. So, get around positive people that you can be real with and that you trust to hold you accountable even in your most vulnerable moments. Also, if you don’t already have one, get yourself a hobby!
4. Have hope in your future. If you desire to find love again, you will. So believe that you can find someone in the world who will love you the right way. Don’t allow yourself to think that toxic love is the best love that you can ever have. You are capable of having healthy relationships going forward, and you deserve a healthy relationship.  

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HEALING IS POSSIBLE

If someone is telling you, get over the grief you feel or that it’s not possible to grieve a toxic person, know this – it’s natural to go through grief. It doesn’t matter if the relationship was toxic or not. So, give yourself time. Admit where you are and be patient in the process. Accept the reality of your situation, while having hope in your future and watch your healing come. 

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Featured Photo by Radomir Jordanovic from Pexels